Siblings and Their Aging Parents

I remember the conversation well. “Michelle’s sister is responsible for her mother’s financial affairs,” her husband Bob reported. I quickly saw a furrowed brow on the wife and an edge to her husband’s normally smooth voice. Bob added, “I know she has ‘borrowed’ $50,000 from Michelle’s mom – money her mother will probably never see again – and now we fear she’s slowly bleeding more money from her mom’s account.” I continued to listen with Michelle chiming in from time to time.

More than a few of our clients are dealing on a regular basis with the conflict between siblings involving aging parents. Money, healthcare, living arrangements, and spouses, are but a few of the triggers causing families’ stress. My experience, however, tells me that the lion’s share of all these issues beat a path back to poor or absent communication. The pain has become acute. Siblings can, and often do, ploy very harmful passive-aggressive behaviors when it comes to mom and/or dad.

What follows is a summary of how I worked with Michelle and Bob to help them better manage the situation with her sister.  

First, I looked at Bob and said, “You must stop communicating with Michelle’s sister about her mother’s situation. As much as I respect you, Michelle and her sister must talk to each other about their mother, not talk through you.” At first, he pushed back until he realized that continuing to run interference for these two sisters was not healthy. 

If sibling conflict is going to be minimized, siblings must find ways to speak to each other about issues, not about each other either to the other parent or an in-law. In this meeting, I physically shifted my posture in the seat where I was sitting and continued the conversation with Michelle, looking only at her, not her husband. Nothing can substitute for open, straightforward, honest communication.

Second, help the sibling with whom you have the relationship to define the roles they and their siblings have when it comes to parents. In some families, adult children naturally assume certain roles with little or no conflict. One child handles the finances, another communicates with doctors, and a third makes sure care issues are addressed.  When it comes to parents, a clear role definition must be defined and followed.

Third, I addressed accountability. As Michelle and I talked more, I learned that her sister was not giving her a regular summary of her mother’s income and expenses. Secrecy creates mistrust and mistrust fuels misunderstanding and misunderstanding leads to conflict. No secrets! For Michelle and her sister, that meant her driving to another state for a private, face-to-face, candid conversation. 

Fourth, well-meaning spouses can offer support. In the privacy of their marriage, a spouse can counsel their mate, listen and give feedback, and support in very health ways. Avoid beginning a sentence with a sibling by saying, “My husband thinks we should . . . .”  Or, “My wife says it would be best if . . . .”

Finally, understand that families get to where they are over long periods of time. Sibling conflict often goes back to childhood and may never go away even in the best of situations. Help clients to learn how they can give their siblings the gift of honesty, openness, and support always remembering that at the center of the family’s concern are their aging parents. When the parents have passed away, most siblings want and need to maintain relationships with each other. Doing the right thing now can lay a better foundation for those future years.

No one ever said being a financial professional was easy!